New Moon, or In which Bella is not good enough
by Zephdae
Summary: A parody of New Moon. Bella spends 563 pages agonizing over her self-esteem issues. This makes her totally different from every other teenager in the world, yet still too ordinary to be a vampire's girlfriend. Angst ensues.
1. Part 1

AN: So here's the deal: I have my last exam of the semester in 36 hours. After that I will have less than a week to write a 20-page paper and an 8-page paper. And I have decided to spend the evening listening to sea shanties and writing a Twilight parody.

I am not a Twilight fangirl. I do not swoon over Edward. And yet I did feel strangely compelled to see the movie...following which I borrowed the entire series from my 14-year-old neighbor. I've finished _Twilight_ and _New Moon_, and yes, they are just as ridiculous as I expected after watching the movie. I am frequently infuriated by both the characters and the plot. And yet I am strangely addicted. You might say I have some love/hate issues. Hopefully this parody will help sort that out.

I've decided to start out with _New Moon_, since I found it even more ridiculously mockable than _Twilight_. Also, I was inspired by Da Phoenix's parody of _Twilight_ – really I'm just building off that.

Disclaimer: If I had actually written these books then I really _would_ be concerned about my psyche.

* * *

PART I

My name was Bella Swan, and I was a painfully boring and normal person, except for my unbelievably gorgeous and amazingly incredible vampire boyfriend. I planned to spend the next 500 pages agonizing about my horrible inadequacy compared to his absolute perfection, and generally wallowing in my low self-esteem until every single reader had thrown this book across the room at least twice and possibly also ripped out some pages.

(Reader: Even if we ripped out every page that featured your low self-esteem, you would still be annoying. Also, the book would be about five pages long.)

My vampire boyfriend and his awesome vampire family all inexplicably liked me, so they threw me a birthday party at their awesome vampire mansion. Which was _horrible_, because I didn't want to get older because then I'd get even uglier and Edward would have even less reason to stay with me!

"Hey Bella," said Edward in his gorgeous velvety voice, "my family is putting a lot of effort into this party, so it'd be great if you acted happy and not all bitchy, kthx."

As usual I had only been paying attention to the exquisite sound of his voice. "Okay Edward. But first we have to watch Romeo and Juliet so that some important literary parallels can be established."

(Shakespeare: rolls over in grave)

Then I hopped on Edward's back and he brought me to the party, where his brother almost killed me because I cut my finger on some exceptionally sharp wrapping paper. Luckily I didn't faint at the smell of the blood, because that was something that only happened once back in the first book for no reason other than to cause mutiple boys to flock to my aid.

Anyway, everyone got all upset and then Edward stopped talking to me for a few days, causing me to totally panic that my paper cut had finally made him realize what a useless excuse for a human I was.

And I was totally right. He broke up with me! Then he left me in the woods ten feet from my house, but I got lost anyway and some Indian guy found me like six hours later, but I didn't care because no one in the whole entire world mattered besides Edward.

Oh, except Charlie. Yeah, that was my dad, and I totally loved him, even though I'd wanted to leave him forever and become a vampire and everything. I decided that I had to be brave and strong so that I could take care of my dad and stay in Forks. Because Forks was where Edward had blessed me with his presence, so I could never, ever leave.

A bunch of time passed that I thankfully did not narrate, and then Charlie got mean and told me that I had to start doing horrible things like hanging out with my school friends. But I didn't like any of them because they weren't vampires, and it was so annoying the way they'd all tried to be nice to me. I'd just ignored them until they started leaving me alone. For some reason I'd never been able to connect with other people. Sigh, angst.

Anyway, I went to the movies with this chick, I think she had curly hair. And that's when I heard his voice in my head! It was far too painful to even think his name...but I knew I had to do whatever was necessary to hear his beautiful angel voice again.

"Yoo-hoo, BELLA!" said what's-her-name. "I am really pissed that you're being so weird and ignoring me. I'm going to be pissed for the rest of the book!"

(Jessica: gets approximately three more lines of face time in the midst of 300,000 lines of Bella's total ignorance of the people around her)

Then I bought some motorcycles.

* * *

That feels like a good stopping place...but I'll probably upload more tonight. Review if you desire.


	2. Part 2

AN: Hey, I like writing Twilight fanfiction - the reviews, they come quickly. Calm down, I mean no personal offense through my bashing of Twilight (heck, I even bash the fandoms I love). I certainly understand the appeal of these books. That's the "love" part of the whole love/hate thing. I am addicted against my will, as it were.

There will probably be two more parts to this and they will probably go up by Tuesday night. Enjoy.

* * *

PART II

I wasn't completely sure why I wanted these motorcycles. I just knew I needed them in order to hear my angel's voice again. Something about a promise I had to break. Whatever. I vaguely remembered that kid from the first book who sold me my truck – maybe he could fix the bikes. So I immediately drove to his house, even though I hadn't spoken to him in almost a year, and I only thought of him now because I wanted to use him.

(Reader: Yeah. Shocking how she's never managed to connect with people.)

Of course Jacob was totally willing to fix the motorcycles and become my new BFF while he was at it. Because no one ever has any other friends or commitments before I come into their life, and apparently every guy I meet in Forks falls instantly in love with me. Not that I cared. I still wasn't special enough for Edward.

I spent all my free time with Jacob for the next two weeks. I started to feel a lot better and was proud of myself for handling my horrible situation so well, even though actually all I was doing was becoming dependent on another man.

(Feminist readers: GAAAHHH!!! throw book across the room)

(Jacob: would actually be a good character if he weren't inexplicably in love with Bella just like everyone else)

We fixed the bikes and I got hurt a lot, but I also heard my angel's voice so I didn't care. There was some stuff about this gang that Jacob was worried about, but I honestly didn't pay a lot of attention because it didn't have anything to do with vampires. I went to the movies with Jacob and this boy from school whose name I could never remember, and Jacob confessed his feelings for me. But I was a broken person and I had nothing to give him.

"It's okay, Bella," Jacob said. "I won't give up on you." I let him hold my hand, even though I shouldn't lead him on. Oh, why was my life so complicated and difficult?

Jacob got sick, and after that he started avoiding me! How could he leave me after two weeks of meaningful friendship? Even though I'd totally ignored him for an entire year after we met? I felt like I was falling to pieces all over again.

(Feminist readers: throw book across the room, again)

The only logical thing to do was call him every ten minutes for three days straight, until his father told me he was going to get a restraining order. I was so upset that I decided to go for a hike to find Edward's sparkly meadow. Surprisingly, I found it after only falling down five times.

Oh, the pain! This was the place where Edward and I had first confessed our love, where he had somehow compared me to both heroin and a lamb. I did not feel the comfort of Edward's past presence...only the devastating pain of his present absence.

Suddenly, someone stepped out into the meadow! A vampire! Was it Edward?!

No. Only what's-his-name, the friend of that other vampire who almost killed me before darling Edward came to my rescue. "Oh hiiiii!" I said.

Then Laurent almost killed me, too. And there was no Edward to save me now. Luckily some giant wolves showed up just in time and chased him off.

I went home and told Charlie about the scary wolves, but he was just worried about some friend of his who was having heart trouble. I didn't care about this as there was no way it was ever going to affect me.

Suddenly, I realized why Jacob was avoiding me! His behavior fit exactly with what he'd told me about the La Push gang! If only I'd been less self-absorbed, I might have realized sooner. I had to save Jacob, because if Jacob weren't my friend then I would spiral into a black hole of depression and be completely miserable forever. Again.

Now determined, I resumed my stalking by driving to Jacob's house right away and demanding to see him.

"I can't be your friend anymore, Bella," Jacob said. "And everything is the Cullens' fault. Because they're VAMPIRES, and I HATE them."

I cunningly pretended not to know what he was talking about, and then I went home and ate a pint of Ben & Jerry's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream to fill the hole that Jacob had punched through my chest.

But that night, Jacob snuck into my room through the window. Now he was being much nicer, and he wanted to be my friend again! His bipolarism and occasional fits of rage reminded me of my own dear Edward. Anyway, he told me that I would be able to guess his secret if only I could remember what he'd said the first time we met.

It was super hard because I'd only paid attention to him when he was talking about vampires. Luckily my subconscious mind was much smarter than my actual mind, and when I woke up the next morning I had the answer –

"ZOMG! Werewolves!"


	3. Part 3

AN: I've been writing this in my 10-minute study breaks over the course of the day. Part 4 will be up sometime Tuesday evening. You should leave nice long reviews, because that will make me happy, and happiness will lead to acing my exam tomorrow morning, and acing my exam will lead to more happiness, which will lead to a prompt parody-filled update. :)

* * *

PART III

So I went to talk to Jacob about how he was a werewolf and all. Geez. Why couldn't I ever be friends with normal people?

(Mike, Jessica, Angela, Tyler, etc: have been blatantly ignored and despised since the very beginning of the first book)

I found out that vampires and werewolves were mortal enemies, which made total sense. Apparently the wolves had killed Laurent, but some red-haired vampire lady was still hanging around.

"We just can't figure out what she wants," said Jacob.

"Oh crap," I said.

Then Jacob and I became BFFs again and he even fought his werewolf friends to defend my honor, which was awesome. I started spending all my time hanging around the beach so that they could protect my poor defenseless self from the evil Victoria. I was so terrified that she would kill all five of my werewolf friends, but of course, I wasn't worried about myself at all because my total selflessness was established in the first book and corroborated by my every action since then. Especially my excellent treatment of my friends and lack of ever using people.

(Readers: start tearing out pages)

(Feminist readers: start furiously crossing out entire blocks of text with big black Sharpies)

(Librarians: WTF happened to these books?!)

Oh, and also some friend of Charlie's died and everyone was really sad, including me. Even though all this character ever did was go fishing.

One day, as I was waiting for my big strong protectors to save me, I decided to jump off the cliff into the ocean. This seemed like a totally excellent idea even though I had absolutely no reason for doing it. Oh yeah, it was because I wanted to hear Edward's voice again. And it totally worked. Score!

Then somehow I found that I was drowning. Dammit.

Luckily, Jacob arrived just in time to save me as I drifted lifeless in the black water. But he interrupted my hallucination of Edward! Jerk.

As he carried my limp, nubile body away from the beach, I noticed some strange red fire burning on the surface of the water. Freaky. But I was sure it couldn't be, say, Victoria's hair, even though Jacob had just told me two seconds ago that Victoria had gone into the ocean in order to swim to the beach and kill me. I went to sleep.

Later Jacob drove me home, and we sat in the car for a while and gazed into each other's eyes. He was just so big and warm! I debated seriously with myself about kissing him. Even though I was just a shell of a person without Edward...Jacob made me feel not quite so lonely, empty, and meaningless.

(Feminist readers: sob brokenly at the thought of a generation of girls growing up with Bella as a role model)

Suddenly, I realized that Alice was waiting inside my house! I immediately shoved Jacob away and dashed into her cold, hard vampiric arms. Ah, bliss.

(Jacob: Cannot...escape...my inexplicable love...for Bella! Damn you, Stephanie Meyer! Damn you to hell!)

"Alice!" I cried. "Canwehaveasleepover???? Willyoustaywithmeforever?????"

"Of course, Bella," said Alice. "Just like every other character in this book, I actually like you. God knows why."

Alice left to go hunting, and I immediately freaked out that she would never come back. I spent the whole time trying not to hyperventilate.

Jacob came back at some point to make sure I wasn't dead. I guess that was nice of him, but now that I had one of my vampires back I realized how inadequate Jacob really was, and I didn't want to kiss him any more.

(Jacob: continues being jerked around)

The phone rang, and Jacob answered it without asking me. His domineering manliness reminded me ever-so-slightly of Edward. Jacob told whoever-it-was that Charlie was at the funeral. Oh yeah, I remembered, my dad's friend died. Gosh, it would have been incredibly traumatic for him if I'd drowned while he was at his friend's funeral. Of course I hadn't thought about that before.

Then Alice came back and said that Edward was going to go to Italy to kill himself.


	4. Part 4

AN: So here's my three-week-late update. And most of it was written for all three of those weeks...I just got lazy and couldn't finish. Which is pretty normal for me. Sometimes I update weeks late, or months...occasionally years. Sometimes I update exactly when I say I will. Sometimes I even update early just to stay unpredictable.

I've now finished reading Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. So...keep an eye out for those parodies. =D (But will I post it next week, next month, next year? A little suspense to keep us all on our toes.) Also my little sister is currently halfway through New Moon, and finds it just as infuriatingly mockable yet irresistible as I do. I've never been prouder of her.

Many thanks to all readers and especially reviewers. And if you happen to watch Lost, check out my extensive collection of Lost parodies.

* * *

PART IV

Alice explained that Rosalie had told Edward that Alice had told her that I had tried to kill myself! Stupid Rosalie. It definitely wasn't my fault for jumping off the cliff in the first place in a totally ridiculous plot contrivance.

"Stupid Jacob!" I said. "Why would you say Charlie is 'at _the_ funeral' when you're talking to someone who doesn't know anything about it?!"

"I dunno. Plot contrivance?" said Jacob with a shrug.

Suddenly I realized that all my obsessing about Romeo and Juliet during the course of the novel had actually been foreshadowing!

(Stephanie Meyer: "I am soooooo totally brilliant!")

(Shakespeare: dies, again)

"Come on, Bella!" said Alice. "We have to go to Italy and save Edward's life!"

I was so happy that I would get to see Edward! And even better, if the Volturi did kill him, they would probably kill me too! That way we would be together forever.

"Don't go, Bella!" said Jacob. "I don't know why, but I LOVE YOU!"

"Psh, see you later, loser," I said. And then I went to Italy.

Alice told me all about what Edward was planning to do to get the Volturi to kill him, and then she stole a car and spent the rest of the book and half of the next one obsessing about how awesome it was.

"It's so fast...and shiny...and smooth..." she rhapsodized, starting to drool. "Oh, right, so just run that way and you should find Edward about to step into the sun and be subsequently torn into pieces by evil vampires. Send me an e-mail and let me know how it goes. Good luck, kthxbai!"

I dashed off to save the love of my life! Finally, I was being proactive and feminist!

(Readers: Hmmm...)

"EDDDDDWAAAAAAAARD!!!!!!" I screamed as I dashed across the square full of people, trying to be inconspicuous.

There he was! I barrelled into him.

"Ouch," I said.

"Hey Bella. 'Sup?" Edward said.

"Oh not much," I said.

"I thought you were dead of a plot contrivance."

"Yeah, that happens."

Some Volturi peeps showed up and took us through these dark evil tunnels of doom. At least I think they did, but I couldn't see anything because my face was squashed into the front of Edward's chest.

"Don't worry," said Alice. "I can tell everything's going to turn out all right."

"Alice!" I exclaimed. "When did you get here?"

She rolled her eyes and I resumed trying to absorb my molecules into Edward's.

"You're getting snot all over my shirt," Edward said.

We met the Volturi, who were all creepy and evil and lived in this medieval castle right in the middle of the city, only no one knew they existed because they always imported foreign tourists to eat. Which was something no one ever noticed.

"The Asian ones taste the best," said Evil Bodyguard #1.

We discovered that I was totally immune to, like, every vampiric power, and nobody knew why! But I was still much too ordinary and inadequate for Edward...

(Mary S—Bella: is somehow sooooo much awesomer and specialer than every other human being on the planet, but thinks she's completely normal and boring)

"Creepily intrigued by you, I am," said the really old and especially creepy vampire guy as he stroked my cheek. "What a beautiful vampire, you would be..."

"Hey, only I am allowed to fondle Bella possessively!" said Edward.

"I have a proposition for you, Edward, Alice, Bella," said Really Old and Especially Creepy Vampire Guy. "How would you like to become part of my staff of blatantly evil bodyguards? I have vacancies! You could be numbers 5, 10, and 12! And you'd better say yes...or else!"

"Nah, I think we'll just head back home," said Edward.

"Okay," said Really Old and Especially Creepy Vampire Guy.

Huh. So they were just going to let us go, after going through all the trouble of bringing us in all intimidating-like? We turned around to leave, but then—

"Not so fast!" said Not Quite as Old But Still Pretty Creepy Vampire Guy. "Bella. She must become one of us, or we cannot let her live." He leveled an ominous stare at me. Edward and Alice prepared to fight in my defense.

"But hey, no rush," he continued. "You guys can just take care of that yourselves at some point in the distant future."

"So...we can leave now, completely unharmed?" asked Edward. "I just want to make sure you know that you're committing to an anti-climax here."

"Sure, you can leave. But first!" He surveyed us ominously again. "..............You have to pinky swear that you _will_ turn Bella into a vampire. You know, someday."

"Yes," said Edward. "I pinky swear."

"Great! Have a safe journey home!"

(The Volturi: have now begun a string of appearances that will always result in gigantic anti-climaxes that change nothing about the story)

(Stephanie Meyer: "Enabling me to indefinitely continue this money-making series!")

(Readers: miss Harry Potter)

We went back to Forks, but I was convinced the whole time that Edward was just going to leave me again once we arrived. I mean, even though he went to Italy to kill himself when he thought I was dead, I didn't realize it meant he loved me and couldn't live without me. I just thought he was, like...dysfunctional...or demented...or whatever. But no! He loved me! He really loved me!

I'd also totally forgotten about that whole hearing-Edward's-voice-in-my-head thing, but it still had to be explained somehow because it kind of led to the whole climax of the story.

"Hey listen to this, Edward!" I said. "My subconscious hallucinated your voice while you were gone, I think because it realized that you really did love me, and the truth could not be denied! But this only happened when it was triggered by my adrenaline!"

"That...does not make any sense," said Edward.

(Gaping plot hole: exists)

"So..." I said, "you're _absolutely sure_ you actually love me? And you're never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever going to leave me again?"

"Oh my God Bella you are so fricking annoying," said Edward. "I love you! And please stop strangling me, I'm not going anywhere."

(Bella's subconscious: probably realizes just how fricking annoying Bella is, and this is why she cannot ever quite believe Edward's love)

"Yay!" I said.

"Marry me," he said.

"No," I said. "Make me into a vampire."

"No," he said.

Darn.


End file.
